Fearless 2015 Predictions

It's going to be an unusual year and accordingly Fanatticman has divined
some predictions which are certain to create a buzz among the luminati of
futurists. Without further delay, may I offer the following "take it to the bank"
list:

Tiger and Rory - will both go for the Cougars in 2015. Tiger will dump his ski bunny for Tonya Harding who likes to hit people with objects (ala Tiger's divorced first wife), while Rory will find comfort with Nancy Kerrigan who will reprise her famous "Why? Why?" wailing when he once again snaps one out of play on number 10 at Augusta in the final round of the Masters.

Cuba - the recent thawing of relations with the U.S. will spawn a surge in exports of Yugos, Edsels, Studebakers and other defunct autos to the island nation. The streets will continue to look like a moving scrapyard except now they will be more crowded.

Philadelphia Seventy-Sixers - will sign David Robinson to return to the NBA
after he tears up his knee while watching his son on the sideline of a Notre Dame football game.

The Dow - will gyrate wildly between 180 and 180,000 as it becomes more clear that nobody, including Cramer, has a freaking clue about anything related to the economy and the financial markets.

Hugh Hefner - will announce his candidacy for President. In his announcement speech he opines,"Hell, why not? I've done everything else and I wouldn't be able to stand looking at Hillary for 4 years". Insiders suggest that he plans to ask Anthony Weiner to join the ticket.

Apple - will introduce its most useless device ever, the "idon't give a crap"
which attempts to deduce why the user is constipated. I will spare you the details of how the device is deployed.

Russia - as the ruble continues its death spiral devaluation, Vladimir Putin
is seen riding horeseback and shirtless from the Moscow city limits with throngs of pitchfork wielding Muscovites in hot pursuit. So much for this experiment in capitalism.

The Oscars - and in a new category for the Academy, "The Interview" is selected as the winner of  "The Stupidest, Most Sophomoric Film To Piss Off A Dictator".


BBFN - Fanatticman

Game Of Thrones

This is not about the TV series.

I don't know how many times I have heard my wife chastise me as she walks into the bathroom, "Seat Down". Well, like most men when we use the bathroom it is usually most convenient for us to use it with the seat up.

Years ago I did not have to worry about whether it was up or down because I was a much better marksman. But now it is important for me to lift up the seat to create a larger target area. A shotgun is not as precise as a Glock, now is it.

And there is a lack of understanding about the frequency of usage. Men of my vintage, with prostates the size of softballs, go about every two minutes, compared to two or three times a day for women. So naturally the odds are in my favor if I leave it up.  20 to 1, I'll be the next person in there.

Then there is the process itself which can't be rushed or interrupted by thinking about putting the seat down. Think about it: when finished you have got to get Man-O-War safely back in the stable; you can't begin the zip-up before you complete the tuckaway or you could Ned Stark yourself: then you quickly turn away to wash and dry your hands, and now it's too late to put the seat down because your hands are clean.

So I don't know how to resolve this. While I can appreciate my wife's dismay
if she is in a rush and experiences the thrill of cold porcelain once in a while, the price could be way too dear for me to insert a "seat down" placeholder in my faulty memory bank.

BBFN - Fanatticman

My World Turned Upside Down By The Morning News

I don't know how I will be able to get through the day. Here's what has happened so far:

- New study says vitamins don't really do squat

- New study says that hand sanitizers are worth zilch

- After December 31, it will be illegal to make 40 and 60 watt lightbulbs (the old kind)

It's only 8:20, I am still sipping my second cup of coffee and pacing around the house in my sandals, and I have to deal with this shitstorm? This is almost enough to make me sit in a corner and ponder how to get through the next few days. But hey, I know I can tough it out and get back to practice putting in an hour or so.

But first I have to find a box, just a cardboard box big enough to hold all of my vitamins and hand sanitizers for a donation to the Salvation Army.They'll take anything and at least I can claim a tax deduction for this worthless junk. Oh, and the box will be in the basement which I am sure is illuminated by a lot of 60 watt bulbs.

Oh no! Now I am worried again.

BBFN - Fanatticman

This Is What I Was Thinking About Last Night When I Couldn't Sleep

No one in the vast ballroom could understand why she had chosen this palooka to accompany her to the grandest event of the decade. After all, she was exquisite in every way. She was the most sought after woman in the county, maybe even the state and her family had almost immeasurable inherited wealth from their ancestry dating back to the post recession boom times of the mid 20th century.

On the other hand, he had drizzles of salsa on his crumpled tuxedo shirt,
which seemed to blend perfectly with the rest of his ill-fitting formal attire
rented just that afternoon. His unshaven beard and shaggy, unkempt hair completed the look and insured that he was viewed in perfect juxtaposition to the "belle of the ball" as they strutted arm in arm to the center of the dance floor.

But as the orchestra began to play and the dancing began, mouths quickly fell agape as they observed and then quickly understood how he had earned his cherished position. As he took his right foot out and shook it all about it became apparent that no one could do the hokey-pokey like this guy.

BBFN  - Fanatticman

Your World Didn't End and Neither Did Mayan

I am very glad to be writing this tonight. I am still here - well at least physically.
Not being clobbered with space junk that would knock our planet off its axis is a bit of a relief. It sure makes the folly going on in our Congress look inconsequential doesn't it? At least we will have a cliff to go over in a few weeks. If the Mayans had been right in their calendar keeping we'd all be floating around as cosmic dust, a true everlasting tribute to Carl Sagan.

There are a lot of pluses to these little equatorial fanatics being wrong on this one:

1) I didn't have a chance to go to confession - whew! skated by again. I'm sure that pretty soon we'll be able to do it with an app on an iphone for 99 cents, so I'm holding out for the totally anonymous confession and impersonal absolution. Got to  remember to tweet the Pope about this concept.

2) I can stop wearing my football helmet and shoulder pads to bed.

3) Don't have to watch anymore Nat Geo specials on the end of the game as we know it and survivalists - well at least until they make the sequel about why the little knotheads were wrong.( by the way, if they were so smart how come their main sport was "throw the head through the hoop". Even NBA guys know it's easier with a ball).

4) We all get to see a few more RG3 commercials. He's just warming up and he's a rookie, yet he's going to make Peyton and Brady look like pikers by the time he gets through with his 20 years of huckstering. The only thing that can stop him will be a Tiger-like episode where his cheerleader girlfriend lodges a spicy subway sandwich deep down his piehole after she catches him in a way too personal locker room interview.

I think I'll call it quits as I am starting to meander. Let's just say that despite all the  minor irritations we bump into (or in my case manufacture) each day, I'm glad the little swarthy tykes weren't right on this call. By the way, you know they weren't very good at mapmaking either - they all got lost.


BBFN- Fanatticman

What Am I Thankful For?

Happy Thanksgiving to all and to all a goodnight. Yes, I am still mixing holiday sayings and customs together improperly, but I have so much to be thankful for on this Thanksgiving it would get anyone confused. Some recent reasons to give bountiful thanks:

1) I am thankful that Petraeus had an affair with a woman - no need to revisit that don't ask, don't tell nonsense

2) I am thankful that Hillary Clinton is resigning - girl look haggard. I couldn't tell who was who when she was standing next to Netanyahu.

3) I am thankful that there is a fiscal cliff looming ever closer - more opportunity for the talking heads to say "kick it down the road"

4) I am thankful that Eagles Coach Andy Reid won't get fired until the season is over - there are plenty of senseless challenge flags to be tossed and six more post-game pressers where he says "he takes responsibility and he has to get better"

5) I am thankful about the uproar over the unions forcing  Hostess Bakery to close -  although given a little more time Mayor Bloomberg would have found a way to do it himself (now there's a damn Twinkie for you)

But really I am thankful for my family, our great country and that we have the many freedoms we enjoy. And for golf, oh yes, almost forgot.
Now let's hope Santa brings us a nice, big turkey for Thanksgiving, or maybe some chocolate Easter eggs.


BBFN - Fanatticman

How to Tell When the Wedding Was Really Fun

WHEN:
 1) The parents of the bride and the parents of the groom sat together and enjoyed each other's company
 2) There was so much dancing that most people never saw a piece of wedding cake
 3) Variations on the dance floor included sitting on the floor and rowing with an air paddle from place to place, and carrying a grown man on your shoulders
 4) Women shed their stylish high heels for sandals provided for full throttle dance   moves
 5) An uncle offers to ante up so that the party can continue for another hour
 6) The bar bill gets alarmingly close to the food bill
 7) Everyone rides to the reception and back to the hotel in a bus
 8) 60 year olds decide to party on with the younger folks at a bar in the early morning hours
 9) Alka Seltzer is provided in the guests' gift bags
10) Everyone gets home without being hospitalized

Congratulations again Lora and Joe.

BBFN - Fanatticman