Thank God for the Mute Button

I am finding that the most valuable function of the new high tech DVR laden, digital HD, large screen, 1080i, HDMI TV's is the old pedestrian mute button. Some of the junk that these channels and advertisers are putting out are audibly painful.



Note the following examples:

The GEICO ad featuring the pig squealing wee,wee, wee all the way home. Well guess what, that little open pit SOB doesn't get squeal one out of his Rosey O'Donnell looking little mouth before my mute button leaps in to save the day.



Then there is a new ad, probably only seen on the Golf Channel, for Slazenger golf balls. This features an over-the-top stereotype of a guy screaming all of these sayings exulting the big drive which his partner has just hit. Well my old buddy the mute button silences this loser before his partner starts his backswing - voila, instant asshole remediation. If only real life was that simple.



Of course these are only a few commercials that come to mind, but the ever useful button is also available for immediate intervention in the following circumstances as a failsafe: any commentary by the Donald, hip-hop music, Jimmy Carter, and of course, the shrieking Nancy Grace.



The list is much larger than this but you get the picture. Keep it handy and use it liberally. That little pig will be on again before you know it.



BBFN - Fanatticman

Power Dream

A big snow storm with wet, heavy flakes blew in last night and also blew out the power at my house. Pine trees were cracking and falling down everywhere laden with the cold, white crap that everyone says is so beautiful. It was inevitable that these trees would hit the old overhead lines that feed my early 1980's community and as it was foretold, so it would pass.



The power was out for about 11 hours and somewhere in that span I managed to collect 6-7 hours of Ambien induced sleep. And it was rather fitful sleep at that. I kept waking up wondering why the power hadn't been restored and even called the power company at 3 am to get an update on their estimate for restoration, only to receive the same automated responses that I received when I called to report the outage some 7 hours earlier. But there was a dream worth remembering with my father and mother and brother and a power outage at the house where we grew up. My brother and I had just returned from golfing(what a surprise) and my mom was a little irritated because the loss of electricity was hampering her house chores. Then appears my father, sweating and carrying a huge coil of heavy-duty electrical cord wrapped around his right shoulder. At the end of the coil was some kind of attachment with these sharp saw-like teeth on it, and as he walked in and dropped the vicious looking coil on the floor, he announced with a tone of aggravation, "Okay, it's fixed".



I had just been up for only a few minutes from my sporadic sleep with his conclusive statement fresh in my memory when the power came back on. And I thought to myself, "Thanks Dad!"




BBFN - Fanatticman

Johnny and Jay

Johnny Vegas, a big hitting rookie from Venezuela, won in his second start on the PGA Tour yesterday in a sudden death playoff at the Bob Hope Classic. On the same day Jay Cutler, of the Chicago bears, was limping off the field in the Bears loss to the Packers.


Now Vegas is an easy guy to root for with his big smile, big tee ball , and big, jovial personality. He's going to be a star and, although he struggled on the back nine, he made one pressure putt after another, including the winner and everyone at that event was thrilled for the young man.


Contrast him with taciturn Jay, who looks so disinterested and above it all, that even his own fans are having a hard time rooting for him. Where is the enthusiasm for the big game and for the sport itself? Now apparently there was a hit that damaged his MCL which caused him to withdraw from the fray quite early - but public sentiment, even from Bears fans is not with him. It's because he comes off as a punk and conveys his superior attitide and air of indifference on the field, on the sidelines and with the media.


The lesson here is to go about your sport, your job, your life with enthusiasm and joy. The world has way too many Jays and not nearly enough Johnnys.


BBFN - Fanatticman

Paddy's not a Baddy

Poor Padraig Harrington, who just seems like one of the most honest and friendly guys in the world, was kicked out of the tournament in Abu Dhabi for the stupidest little thing. He was replacing his golf ball on the green when it was his turn to putt and he accidentally moved the ball about the length of a dimple -not the one on his face, the one on his Titleist. So instead of penalizing him a stroke this morning when he showed up, they kicked him out of the event for signing an incorrect scorecard. Hey, we need to get these officials to leave their job and come on over and work at Guantanamo. That will solve two problems at once.





These golf rules that are enforced by these officials must have been written by Goebels, the guy who got Adolf's golf shirts laid out on the bed for him each morning. I mean is it too much to ask that some of these extreme penalties be revisited for the good of the game? And how about simplifying some of these things so that freakin' Copernicus doesn't have to be called in to tell you where you can drop the ball after it goes in a hazard.




Now I love to play golf, but I have pretty much given up trying to compete, except in little club scrambles. And it's a good thing because I just don't have the temperament for these arcane rules. No one would have to DQ me for the little error that Paddy made because if anyone called me on it I would retire to the Clubhouse for a Pale Ale, and then hurry to a place of sacrifice to slaughter a groundhog while invoking the wrath of Snapfadeulus (the god of golf) upon my accuser.



So PGA and USGA and R&A, wake up and get with it - your rules are about as out of date as the old gutta percha balls that Old Tom used to whack around the pasture.


BBFN - Fanatticman

Whatson?

So IBM has invested years and millions in developing a computer that can understand all the nuances of popular spoken English and named it Watson after IBM's founder. They are going to prove how successful they are by having it compete on Jeopardy, the game show.


Holy Art Fleming Batman, we ought to be shorting the stock as soon as possible. They are saying that it will have many profound applications in improving society as it is refined over time - yeah, like competing on Hollywood Squares for an encore?



All this money for R and D that shareholders thought was going into noble causes, environment, sustainability etc. was really being directed into seeing if this thing could breeze through the "Pop Music" category without breaking a circuit - my God, Trebek will be changing his depends before they get to Double Jeopardy.



This could really start a trend when you think about it - just imagine Honda's little robot spinning the wheel on Wheel of Fortune. And Vanna could be replaced by the Jetsons maid. Can anyone say Isaac Asimov?






BBFN - Fanatticman

Lost in Space

I am still miffed about the decision a bunch of nerdy guys made several years ago to do away with Pluto - and I am not talking about Mickey Mouse's dog. I mean the planet, or ex-planet at this point.




You know we were all happy knowing about our little solar system and our nice little planets with familiar names. Everything was right and all these chunks of cosmic minerals knew their place. But no - not good enough for some guys - they decided that our old friend Pluto wasn't significant enough to be a planet so they delisted it. You mean that's all it takes to change the solar system as we knew it - to change something so ingrained into our society? This was intellectual snobbery and when it happened everybody just stood by and it was done with nary a whimper. Where was the outrage? Heck if this can happen what's next, changing the calendar of the Zodiac? Well don't look now but our passive acceptance of dropping Pluto from the planetary roster has led to another outrage - I used to be a Sagitarrius until 2 days ago when they made me an Ophiuchus ?? These guys have to be stopped. Next they wil be telling us that Zeus doesn't live on Mt. Olympus or that leap year was a charade.




I think I am going to organize a resistance movement to push back against all of these assaults to our time honored and well known societal conventions. And I am going to start next Garfday - no it's not a typo -it's the new day of the week they shoved in there between Wednesday and Thursday. You'll get used to it.


BBFN - Fanatticman

Say What?

Have you ever stopped to think about some of the sayings we use in our everyday discourse. Since I have so little on my mind, I have thought about it and I need help trying to figure a few of them out.

How about this one: " Catch as catch can?" HUH? I guess it means do whatever you can do. But who, in God's name, is this guy catch? How can I catch as he does if I don't know what he's up to? Does he use an outfielder's glove or Under Armour gloves like a wide receiver? Who came up with this and does it make any sense?

And this one: "Butter wouldn't melt in his mouth". Well if he's a normal person he must be chewing the hell out of his butter and not waiting for the stuff to melt anyway, or else he would have a big mouthful of butter carried over for many meals. Who cares if it wouldn't melt - my butter's gone with my mashed potatoes in a heartbeat.

And " Six of one, half-dozen of another". For our math challenged brethren this is troublesome. First, they dont know how many in a dozen and secondly, they have to move to both hands to count to six - it's replete with obstacles, exceedingly wordy and awkward to say. Why not say, "five of one and four plus one of another" ? See, it's stupid. And I am saying this with butter melting in my mouth.

BBFN - Fanatticman

Pre-Game Punishment

I won't comment much on the National Championship game last night between Auburn and Oregon except to say it was a let down. Yea, it was close but the teams were not at full tilt because of a 37 day break between games. Some of the young men were seniors at the end of the season and came back with PHD's to play in this game - I mean a few guys had to touch up their hair with Just for Men because their temples were turning grey waiting for the kick-off.

And if that weren't bad enough, there was a three hour pre-game show featuring some of the lamest commentary possible. Poor Lee Corso (who everybody loves) kept calling Auburn Arizona. And Desmond Howard kept calling the offense the defense and vice-versa. He clearly would not win the Heisman for sports commentary. Then there were the glib coaches, each trying to outdo each other. Having Nick Saban as an analyst for three hours is like sitting in the Atlanta airport during a blizzard.

And I hope that Auburn gets a lot of joy out of this for the next two years because they will probably be vacating the championship, as will Newton his Heisman in a few years ala Reggie Bush/USC. That is unless Cam's dad decides to sell the trophy in the interim.


BBFN - Fanatticman

Being Seated

Last night we went to a restaurant, early in the evening, as is our custom and so the place wasn't that busy. So they take us to our table, a booth against the wall, and stick us into the only available spot left in that section. My question is: how about spreading us out a little bit instead of jamming the 20-30 patrons in there like it was the last subway car on the way to the ballgame? The rest of the place was absolutely vacant.



If they would spread you out you could talk in relative privacy so that the other people around the place wouldn't hear you making fun of them. No - they insist on jamming you in there right next to the loud kid with mashed potatoes on his face and the greatgrandmother who insists on sending every part of her meal back because it's not done right. It's almost like they are load testing the building to see if it will tip over by piling everybody up on the same side.



And they hardly ever ask you where you would like to be seated - they just make you march over there penguin style and stick you in the gap. The rest of the place is wide open, cavernous, the Ponderosa for God sake, so it defies logic, as well as the likely preference of their patrons to congeal them together like they always do. My wife thinks it's because it's easier on the wait staff that way, but heck, who is the server and who is the servee? Can't they walk an extra 10 steps once in a while?



So since this is a new year I am going to be more assertive and ask for wilderness seating when I notice that it's available. The chef has probably sneezed in my chowder already, but I don't need all the additional airborne delights that come with subway seating at dinner time.

BBFN - Fanatticman

Sole Survivor

This deal with the quirky Jets footbal coach, Rex Ryan, and his wife and feet and videotape is really different. It's not only different, it's icky. Now big, affable Rex got his team into the playoffs, but you know there must be some snide remarks quietly circulating in that locker room and amidst the Jets organization. I hear the locker room attendant has been sticking some extra Dr. Scholl's in the coach's locker as a gag. And this old story about coaches staying up all night to prepare by watching "football" films has taken on a whole new meaning.





You really don't expect this out of a guy like Rex who has been around these giant, tough football players his whole adult life. You can see someone like, John Clayton perhaps, from ESPN, hanging out at the foot of a bed with a camera on his shoulder - you know, sort of fits the exterior of the guy - but big Rex, wow, just doesn't seem to go with the rest of the package. As Vince Lombardi said in that memorable quote, "What the hell's going on out there?"




But if ol' Rex can get this thing in gear during the playoffs, perhaps the media will lighten up on him. Though he will have to get his team to play like there's no toe-morrow. (sorry -it was too easy). I know all the Jets fans are hoping heel get it done. (can't help myself)


BBFN - Fanatticman

Left Lane Blockers

Why do people insist on blocking the left lane when they, and everybody else driving on the road, would be much happier if they drove in the right lane so faster cars can pass on the left - What is so complicated about this?



I know that I am not a traffic enginer, but I am fairly certain that they started to build second lanes to accommodate increased traffic flow and to LET PEOPLE PASS ON THE LEFT!! Does it make them happy to see people with smoke coming out of their ears when they look in the rearview mirror? Do they get a perverse sense of satisfaction knowing that they can back up traffic for miles with this simple, selfish act while simultaneously turning the average mild mannered guy into Goofy, of the old Disney cartoon. You know the one where he turns into a devil with horns and a demonic demeanor when he gets behind the wheel. Well he must have been behind one of these left lane blockers - they could make a nun throw the IQ salute at them with their oblivious and inconsiderate behavior.




And with the increasing number of aggressive drivers on the road today, they maybe should fear for their lives hanging out in the fast lane. These morons don't care if they run you off the road, so why would the lane blocking crowd want to supercharge these mindless idiots by hanging out there looking for trouble? Just get over, get home safely, and practice hugging the right side of the hallway when you're walking around your home. Just get in the habit of moseying along on the right for when you get back in your car. Bumping into a few coffee tables or knocking over a vase is a lot better than being splattered against the left jersey barrier by a maniac the next time you decide to become a one man blockade.

BBFN - Fanatticman

The New Year

What's ahead in 2011? My guesses follow:




Tiger gets back in the winner's circle and starts dating Miley Cyrus




Ian Poulter appears on "What Not To Wear"





Brett Favre becomes the spokesman for the Canon Rebel camera





Vladimir Putin joins the WWF





Willie and Kate begin a new reality show, " Survivor Britannia"




Joe Paterno signs a new deal through 3011





Tom Coughlin's head finally explodes when Eli throws 17 interceptions in the Giants opener





Emmit Smith gets arrested for impersonating an announcer




The Phillies lure Sandy Koufax out of retirement to be their 5th starter






Bill O'Reilly changes the name of his show from "The Factor" to the "O Dog Joint"

Stephen Hawking's assertion of the existence of black holes is confirmed with the publication of the 2011 U. S. Government Budget

BBFN - Fanatticman